Friday, January 15, 2010

The Whachamacalit

Every morning is the same.
I feel the sun on my face and wake up alone. I take a deep breath, wonder how I got here, and close my eyes again.
Five minutes later I open my eyes and force myself to get out of bed.
It's hard to get out of bed when you have no where to go and no one depending upon you. The cats don't even depend on me anymore. They just sleep with me and silently pray that they'll get fed that day.
I get terrified when the phone rings or there's a knock at the door. I lock myself up tight in here. I sleep with a bat by my bed and leave the TV on all night listening to the Tanner family deal with the pressing family issues of the 80's. My Dad thinks I should get a gun, and learn how to use it. I'm pretty sure that in the heat of the moment I would forget how to use said gun and probably shoot a cat. I want to get a dog, but then I would be the weird, lonely, "Full House" girl living with two cats and a dog. I would officially live in a zoo. A melancholy, hungry, and disconnected zoo.
I make coffee everyday and try to feel alive.
I look for work, study for the GRE's, attend to the cats, and hope tomorrow will be better.
Maybe tomorrow a friend will call, or maybe tomorrow I'll wake up next to Eric.
Perhaps tomorrow, I won't regret so many decisions in my life and actually be excited about what the future holds.
Maybe, tomorrow, I'll wake up and have my old life back. This all would have just been a dream a la "Groundhog Day", and my face would still be smiling back at me on the staff picks page.
Maybe tomorrow this crushing feeling in my chest would finally disappear, and the endless tears would stop falling.
Perhaps, tomorrow morning won't be the same as all the rest.

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